graduation was the other day. school has ended, and i cant wait to go back :p now’s the time where we can give ourselves whatever kind of life we want to live. my intent it to be as successful as i can so that no matter what happens, i don’t have to depend on anyone but me, myself, and i (: my future is going to be as bright as it can be.
it didnt really feel like i was graduating. i kept looking at the stage and thinking “wow, its real, im actually graduating.” i always thought of getting through school so i could graduate and what id do afterwards, but not actually graduation.
dad, grandma and granny came to see me along with mom and my brother. mom said they got really good seats. earlier that day i was telling steven that i wonder if me graduating would create a moment of unity between my parents. my parents havent really seen eachother since they divorced and the few times they did, they didnt want to be there or argued. but this time they all sat together, talked to me together after graduation, and we even got a family picture. its been a looong time since we’ve had a family picture. i was really suprised, and it meant alot to me.
after graduation, i was walking out the building and heard someone call my name. i looked up and it was.. codty? it didnt occur to me until then that he might be there because of daniel. i just smiled and waved.
i graduated the day before my birthday. i didnt realize i had to work on my birthday until the day before, but i didnt mind. i worked 5-9 so thats about $28. so on my birthday i woke up, smoked, chilled, worked, and drew smoked with me when i got home. mom got me pistachios, cashews, a cookies and cream chocolate bar, almonds, and a memphis shirt. mike gave me his copy of an autographed beatles picture that hes had hanging in his room for a couple years. it was really sweet.
I’ve been seeing the numbers 711 alot lately. I wondered what this meant, so I Googled it and found:
“This is confirmation that you are doing great. You are on the right path, so keep going! This is a sign that you have chosen your thoughts well and that you should focus more steadily on your objectives. Be sure to add appropriate emotions to your thoughts; for instance, feeling grateful for the gifts you have in life. Gratitude will speed the process of your manifestations.”
I love having little personality breakthroughs
This guy on facebook posted “Personality is defined by who you surround yourself with. I don’t surround myself with anyone. Therefore i am no one. Catch my drift?”, to which I was high and replied:
“Everyone goes through a particularly rough time in their life, especially teenage years. But it does get better I promise you. I know firsthand, something I thought id never say.
But also, personality isnt based on who you hang around with. Alot of my personality isnt influenced by other people, but more of personal experiences, spirituality, influence of people and customs ive learned about and all sorts literature and music. I learn things from the people I meet in passing, classmates, and different kind of friendships and acquaintances. Practice being an observer in mandatory situations like school, the community, and society and see what your opinions are, but try to socialize too.
To me, this is alot more satisfying than my personality being based on friends. You dont need friends to have a personality, you have your own mind, opinions, and interests. As you get older itll only get broader. Trust me, im barely eighteen and the world already seems so big..!
Uhh, sorry for ranting. And probably the run on sentences :p”
What they did not want you to ever find out is that your generation, the generation born between 1980-1995, actually outnumbers the Baby Boomers. They knew that if you ever turned your eye towards political reform, you could change the world. They tried to keep you sated on vapid television shows and vapid music. They cut off your education and fed you brain candy. They took away your music and gave you Top Ten pop stations. They cut off your art and replaced it with endless reality shows for you to plug into, hoping you would sit quietly by as they ran the world. We as a society are only as strong as our weakest link. Give ‘em hell, kids.
13008) I want so badly to change. I’m such a fucking bitch to my family. My mother, in particular. I never help her when she asks me to do the simplest of things. I feel like my growing up is making her sad, too. I’m her first born. I’m sixteen as of right now. I feel like every year that I grow older, she is one step closer to losing me. I don’t show it, but I really do love my mom. I don’t remember the last time I told her that I love her. When she hugs me tight, I barely touch her. When she says, “I love you,” before hanging up the phone, I just say, “Bye.” It’s always a surprise to her when I thank her for something because it’s so rare for me to be nice to her. I fucking hate myself for it. I really do. No one else that I know does this to their mother. I hate the way I am. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
Then why do you do it? You have full control over how you act. Thats terrible to treat your mother like that. You should be ashamed, I hope you do change. Im not trying to be mean, but think about how sad that must make your mom. That breaks her heart to have her daughter treat her this way. She loves you with all she has.
i forgot to post this, but on valentines day, the dude who cheated on my messaged me, and we actually had a really good talk.
him; I have a question for you.. Why did you break up with me? I don’t know if I ever got a reason. Thanks for reading
me;hah, i was wondering if you’d ever ask me
well, when i first started to like you, lyn told me you had a reputation for cheating. i didnt want to judge based on a rumor, so i was like ‘whatever’.
when we dated, it seemed like i always had to be the first one to make plans or text, and you know how girls get about that.
then one day codty told me you told him you made out with _____, and lyn said landis went off on you for it. so that was three people telling me something id already been warned about.
i wouldve told you the reason the day we broke up, but keep in mind you were my first boyfriend. i was naive and didnt really know how to go about it.
if this turns out not to be true, im really sorry for misjudging you. hopefully, though, youll be able to see where im coming from. if it is true, i dont really care anymore. ive gotten past it.
just like the day we broke up, im gonna remind you that im always here for you, nigga. i think youre a good person and would hate to see you going through struggles (:
him;I did cheat on you with _____, but only because the reputation people gave me. I was going through a hard time back then. And I’m sorry, deep inside I wanted to tell you but didn’t want to make you cry.. I have noticed I have horrible social skills, and now I’m making them all better.
me;im glad you told me the truth
i understand, i went through a really bad time after we broke up, but not because of that. i turned into a totally different person and sometimes still struggle with things that effected me. im glad youre improving your social skills. just stay positive, because once you let yourself hit rock bottom its really hard to get up again. you can do it though. i did
him;Thanks :) I’m glad we were able to do this, it has given me releif and comfort knowing I did the right thing. You have a happy life and I’ll ttyl, hit me up if you ever need anything. Can I do the same?
me; of course you can! ill always be here (:
im glad we were able to have this talk. you did do the right thing, and it shows youre more grown up than some other guys.
thank you, btw.
him; :) yeah, it was on the back of my mind and it kept coming up. Had to deal with it, and better late than never.
me;m happy for you, it really seems like youre turning around nicely
sorry for the late reply, our internet is out
him; Thanks :) so far its going very well, and it’s cool. Stuff happens ya know.
i had a dream last night that me and a couple other people were walking along a stone bridge. off in the distance was the ocean, and overhead a plane was flying. The plane then went off its course and did a slow backflip. i thought to myself ‘is he doing a trick?’, but then the plane nosedived into the ocean, leaving trails of smoke behind. i was greatly disturbed at the thought of all those people being aware as the plane began to fall. we didnt have time to process this, because fireworks started blasting all around us, right above the fence line and near our heads. we ran down the bridge’s path and off to the side metal gates were closing off the view to the plane. ‘i cant believe theyre closing off the gates to the city!’ i yelled. the whole thing seemed like one big conspiracy.
then im placed into another dream, where my brother is writhing around on the ground, doing backbends that look unnatural. i hold him down and begin shouting Bible verses. “though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil for God is with me.” i was under the impression that my brother was possessed, and shouting all kinds of things about God to drive the demon out. i wasnt afraid at all, because i knew it would work. i had faith behind my words and knew God was more powerful. my brother then gets up and says he was just kidding and was faking it, and made fun of how i was repeatedly hitting him on the chest while yelling. i go to my mom in the kitchen and she says ‘… you need to use a type of stone..’ to which i respond ‘i knew it was real! i knew it was real!’ shes referring to how some gems are believed to have special properties, like amethyst encourages psychic abilities.
then im outdoors, about to crawl over a very high and narrow peice of land to get to a cat. it wasnt actually a cat, but something i wanted in the form of a cat. someone then redirected my attention to a baby deer at the bottom. i had a thought that things arent always what they seem, and what i wanted had actually taken the place of a fawn rather than a cat like i thought.
my last dream, im with steven and the girl that plays Cat on Victorious. she’s acting tipsy, taking another guy into a bedroom. i say to steven excitedly ‘hey, is she bi?’ and he says ‘very’. unfortunately, my dream didnt go very far from there.
ive also been having dreams about shakir, because i really miss him. i dreamed that my hair was black, and he came back. i was so happy that i hugged him for a long time without letting go. my mom pointed and mouthed to me ‘you love him’.
i think that same night i also dreamed that this guy in my class that i think is cute was walking with me in school. he saw a table selling flowers and wrote a note. he handed the note to me that said ‘this small talk isnt getting us anywhere, plus i want to get to know you. i kinda like you.’ and handed me a pot of flowers.
